we were thrilled to get the invitation
a party hosted by our most favorite people
they are the epitome of funny smart joyful positive attractive generous kind modern good people
things spun out of control when i learned the purpose of the event
she was going to kill herself amid the group of us
stabbing herself japanese style in the stomach with a long sword with her young child watching next to her, her mother there her husband there and she was totally confident and smiling and at peace with her decision.  i was of course mortified and trying anything to change her mind. i told her i understood living with pain and that it can be fixed whatever is wrong but she was unshakeable.
i was the only one wanting to stop this ceremony, even my date didn't seem to know what was going on. everyone else knew but were fine with it. i was at this wonderful loving gathering to witness her death and it made me sick and sad, beyond those things, as far as that depth can go is where my heart was...
i decided not to watch, to leave with my memory of her alive intact
 but events intervened and i was still there when the time came.
i saw her kneeling on a mat dressed in a white tunic top and relaxed white pants holding the blade out in front of her. i turned away as i heard her pained groan knowing she had done it.  how can one do that with a calm and rational heart? i look and her mother has remove the blade and wiped her torso clean of blood, laying her back in repose.
the next thing i know i'm bouncing away wreckless in some borrowed car going i don't know where.
i meet people and marvel at the ludicrous small talk about bad weather, storm debris, putting photos into albums when the weather is bad and you can't do much else...  my date arrives holding a gift for each of us that are from her, she had prepared them before we arrived in town to her party and there was a note in her familiar hand. and i cried.