it was conflicted in a delicious way
i wanted to be alone with you but you already knew that
i wanted to tell you i had feelings for you but doubt stopped me
we met by accident casually. i was independent, a loner. the situation started out normal enough, casual neighbor or colleague introduction and i went a bout my business. 
then the first incident that tested me occurred. vague threats in tone and conduct when i confronted someone about reserved parking or something i thought was important --their green truck parked in the barn the hay golden amber the wood august sunset rust the dust like confetti in the shafts of light. i told the men they had to move and that the space was needed by someone less able and suddenly i realized how small i was and how many of them there were.  i ran. ran thru the barn along the lofts thru a hatch out a door and shut it fast behind me. walked thru hidden tunnels to the front of the house. i went out onto the paved walk in the sun with green grass and found you on your porch and we talked until life went on as normal.

the next time it happened it was a girl with blonde hair and a bad attitude she wasn't as subtle and made her threats clear. she chased me thru the hay and i barely got the door shut between us. afraid. everyone gone, mom gone i'm care=taking boyfriend gone working you are my only refuge.  when i find you we sit and talk again and are close physically and i think emotionally. doubt keeps me just at the line without crossing it but we make physical jokes and the contact encourages me.  you are dark and welcoming and familiar. i almost tell you.

then i find the christmas lights strung from the door that closes the barn off from my secret paths to the house...i find them in the house first and follow them back back back collecting them in a bunch dragging them as i go. thinking surely whoever strung these intended me harm certainly they're explosive and dangerous and under no circumstance should they be lit.  i pass mom's car the doors are locked it is safe in the garage. but she is still gone. i run outside to find you. it is snowy and dark branches of hedge poke out through the white mounds and you take the lights from me you're way ahead of me and find a car on the road and put the lights under the hood and try to get me to leave with you.  somehow my boyfriend finds us but now it is golden harvest fall tall grass next to me you are a head he his behind and i'm walking trying to reach you as he is trying to catch up to me and i'm embarrassed that he is there and not sure how to elude him even though he means me well and i am having doubts that perhaps you were the threat all along. and i am sad that i have again lost that feeling of hope and thrill only to be pulled back to boring normal mediocrity